It’s an age-old saying that “clothes make the man”… well, in this case its “clothes don’t make the man… a McZ’s Happy meal!”
While putting on something light, movable and easy to pack is a no-brainer… what do you do when you are almost certain you’re going mana y mana with an ugly meat-sack with teeth? We wouldn’t be the WGUB if we didn’t troll the net and find the best-of-the-best in zombie survival gear! Sidenote – While we are making sure you’re outfitted with the ultimate in zombie survival gear… assuming you have the foresight to prepare… everything below will of course be ($Free) if you have a crowbar and a few B&E skills after the undead start roaming the streets. Most everything we’re mentioning can be found in your local Army Surplus store or Sporting Goods shopapalooza.
Starting with the head… while it’s rare to sport the perfect dome to go hairless, let’s be honest… surviving a zombie apocalypse isn’t exactly a fashion show. Buzz that hair off!!! Yes, you too ladies. If it’s something that can become tangled or grabbed it needs to go! Outside of that, to keep your noggin bite-free with a couple of pretty cool items. #1 – Under Armour Tactical Hood ($24) designed to keep athletes cool and dry in hot climates with ultimate face protection. #2 – Hatch ArmorCool Head Wrap ($13) to keep your hair outta your face and sweat off your brow. #3 – Ball-cap (Whatever) the main reason for head-gear is to keep your luscious locks out of your face and sweat out of your eye… if all you really need is an old-school trucker cap then so-be-it. But keep in mind that anything the evil undead can grab (ie. the bill of your hat) they will!!!
Your Face! Let’s face it… its pretty likely that the spread of your human ending plague is from either a bite or some goulie’s yummy juices ending up in your face or an open wound. Yeah, it’s gross… but a necessary conversation to have! That being said… you really need to cover up all of those holes in your face if you’re slicing n’ dicing your way through a crowd of zambinos. Here are a couple of cool options. #1 - ESS Striker Turbo Fan Tactical Goggles ($180). Keep those infected juices out of your eyes (the window to your soul) with these anti-fog pieces of optical badassery. If it’s good enough for special forces, it’s good enough for the future special force… you! #2 – Wrong Gear’s Shinobi Mask ($40) can keep your mouth free of flying zombie debris with ease… while allowing you to keep that last-man-on-earth desperado look intact. As a plus, it is held on by velcro… so if an undead hand grabs your mask a simple pull-away will get you free. #3 – How would you like to be mid-battle with the hordes when one of them pulls a Mike Tyson on your ear? With the Louis Garneau Ear Cover ($15) those flaps on the side of your head will be nicely tucked into a safe little cover so you can still hear the soft moans of the undead craving your brains.
Okay… now all of the super delicates are covered. Let’s cover your body. A superior under-armor used by the pro’s behind motor-cross (and easily found at any sports bike shop) is the Fox Titan Jacket Upper Body Armor ($140). With shoulder & elbow pads, a spine protector (in case of falls), large chest plates, hi-tech mesh for breathable movement and all lightweight plastic materials… this intense hand-to-hand combat armor is perfect for keeping you intact! (Think Batman without all the money). Of course any good armor will have straps that those bastards can grab hold of, so you need an additional layer. The Massif Army Combat Shirt ($170) is the perfect cover. Lightweight and versatile, this ultra-light, flame-resistant top will keep you moving in every way you need!
Something else to keep in mind while wielding your preferred weapons of mass destruction (I almost said murder… but hey, they’re already dead) is your hands! Absolutely one of the most important tools you have left. You need to keep them warm, but not too hot… movable, but not exposed… and armored, but not bulky. For this we found the Oakley Factory Pilot Glove ($70). Leather Palm with unobtanium grips on the fingers for a tight hold, Carbon Fiber Knuckle Plating for punching your way free of a death-grip & Airprene four-way stretch joint for flexibility.
Legs. Fighting is always important… but we also have to recognize when to run away! To keep your legs safe and sound we found 5.11 Tactical Flash Pants ($50). We recommend Flash pants over your typical tactical pants because you never know when you may need to douse the ground with a little gasoline and keep your Dark places nice and dark (nobody likes a light burning up in there!). As for your belt… nothing fancy people. Just a regular old leather, or nylon belt with no attachments (unless it’s absolutely necessary!). The last thing you want is to be hung up on a fence post or on a creepy crawly, waiting like a piñata to be gnawed open for their enjoyment.
Finally… the Boots! we say boots instead of shoes because let’s face it… you want something that will kick the literal shit out of anyone (ie. steel toed), cover your ankles from those surprise crawlers you didn’t hear or see and wrap up your little piggies that work their hardest to keep your fat ass from sitting still for too long. For this we found the Striker™ II GTX® Side-Zip Non-Metallic Toe ($210). All of the extreme function of a high-end military boot with the everyday use needed to get the hell out of Dodge! The strength of a steel-toe without the weight and heat/cold transfer that actual steel brings, water-proof, oil and slip resistant sole, only 58 oz to keep you from getting tired faster and a side zipper to quickly and easily get on the move… these boots are not only bad-ass, but functional as hell and ready to stomp in some undead heads!!!
Yeah, this seems like a bit much… but at the end of the day, when you’re kicking dead ass and taking a body count later (all while keeping your family safe) you can remember back and think “Damn, those WGUB were pretty cool to do all that work for us. I wonder if they ever made it or if they’re chopped liver to some raging dead loony”. Well WGUB buddy… the answer is that we’re probably dead, or un-dead. We’re glad we helped, but sadly we didn’t listen to our own advice. On the bright-side I distracted you with this super long post and have managed to sneak up behind you!!!!! MUNCH!!!