Zombie Survival 101: Gadgets

Soooo… the world has been summed up to you, a group of random strangers that are now your all-time closest friends and hundreds of thousands of eyeball slurping, brain-munching douche-bags all vying for the same plot of land. As we all remember from physics, no two objects can occupy the same space at the same time… which means it’s time to kill some muthaflippin zombies!!! We told you how to dress (HERE), how to blast and slice your way to a peaceful existence (HERE & HERE) and now we’ll mention a few little things to help pass the time while recharging your literal and figurative batteries.

For starters, while gadgets are fun… most of them require a certain something that will become scarce in the new world of yours… POWER. Batteries will only last so long, a generator will make enough noise to wake the dead (or at least let them know where you are) and we all have to assume the power grid will be as dead as your funny and Nancy that always sent the best Birthday cards. Thanks to the current enviro-kick your opportunities to power by our best friend, the sun, are nearly endless (of course if the end of days is caused by a comet kicking up enough soot to block out the sun… your just screwed). Item #1 – Light the night with Nokero Solar Light Bulb ($15), the worlds only solar-powered light bulb! Just hang it from the back of your pack during the day, and light up that dingy ass cave you call home at night. Vu-alla! Another great all around option is the iSolaris 6 ($200-ish), a foldable (ie compact) solar panel that can charge cell phones, iPods, rechargable batteries and almost everything else that needs charging. Yes… nearly EVERYTHING!! Hell, it even has an attachment to trickle-charge your car battery should you find 4 wheels sitting on the side of the road that still has gas enough to “get on down… get on down the ro-oad!”

Okay, now you’re juiced… what’s next? Let’s say that these creepy crawlers are the kind that prefer the moonlight, how are you supposed to know when to pack the hell up and get back to safe ground? Most of us are so watch-retarded (thanks Mr Cell Phone!) that a high-tech watch will confuse the hell out of us. For this we recommend the Casio “Ediface Label” Black Solar Powered Watch ($250). It’s solar-powered so you never need to worry about changing the battery, black on black so no glare to attract the uglies, and packed with a stopwatch, compass, world time for traveling, an alarm to warn you when the sun is about to go down, waterproof down too 100 meters for the daring water escape and lots of other crazy features. It’s pretty basic compared to other models but read the manual people… last thing you need is an alarm going off while your hiding in a damn bush. But hey, just because you’re the last man on earth doesn’t mean your style has to completely suffer!

While your eyes are your best form of reckon in a powered down world, sometimes walking into that super dark building where all of the windows are boarded up is just not going to freakin happen! For this point in your new life we recommend the RC Spy Car with LCD & Mic ($200). With an LCD screen & speaker on the controller, this 2.4GHZ bastard on wheels can peek into just about anywhere with ease. And with an infrared night vision even the darkest and creepiest of locations can be lit up perfectly for you to see. Side-note don’t get so sucked into what’s going on with the screen that you forget what’s happening around you! In fact… for keeping tabs of those that might be sneaking up behind you we recommend the Motion Dectector with Remote Alarm ($40). Designed to help keep tabs of hospital patients who wander away, this handy sensor can be attached anywhere and when something with a carnivorous appetite for your liver wanders by it will send a discrete chime to a key chain you keep on your person. Ta-da instant security.

What’s the point of staying alive if you can’t enjoy life from time to time? For kicking back and stealing a little “you time” we highly recommend #1 – the iPad ($500-700) While you can’t download new apps… hopefully you downloaded every single last app, song and movie to your credit card before the lights went out (It’s not like you were ever going to have to pay that money back!!!). Now you can lounge back and play Angry Birds, look at those family photos (before they were walking worm food), catch a movie (what’s $25mil a movie worth now Mr. Farrell?!?!) or rock out to your favorite un-dead rock-star (for that we highly recommend any of THESE awesome headphones). #2 – Nintendo3DS ($TBA) Assuming the apocalypse waits for this to actually come out… it will be a super fun, super compatible way to play with your imaginary 3D doggy or fight the undead in real 3D. Wait… you probably want nothing to do with that game since you are that game now. Moving on!

When I asked my brothers at the WGUB what cool tech they would bring to the brave new world, the replied:

PaysteeWhite: Breast Pump

EggshellWhite: Fleshlight

Well… I suppose we all have our own ideas about how we want to battle the undead. Some involve shotguns, some involve male breast milk. So-be-it. Toodles!

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2 thoughts on “Zombie Survival 101: Gadgets

  1. Love this series!!! You guys are definitely having some fun with it… And it’s a blast to read.

  2. Pingback: “The Walking Dead” Season 2, News « The White Glossy Underground Board

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