Some Monday Humor to Brighten Your Day: Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous… but you knew that.

  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you … but it’s still on my list.
  3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  5. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
  6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency,    notify…”  I answered “a doctor.”
  11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
  14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
  17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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Hey… You (the Lazy One)… Get Off Your Ass and Vote!!!

It’s not a sexy Presidential Election… hell, there aren’t even any scandalous propositions vying to alter the way of life as we know it… but June 3rd is an election day and you, my friend, need to exercise your right as an American and vote!

Let me ask you this… do you celebrate veterans on Veterans Day?  Do you remember the fallen warriors of this awesome Nation on Memorial Day?  Do you wave old glory proudly from the front of your home?  Do you bask in the glow of Fireworks every 4th of July and have fond memories of running through the streets with sparklers as a kid?  ALL of these wonderful traditions are in memory of these United States of America and the sacrifices our country has made for your inalienable rights and Freedom!  Freedom to live as you so desire… freedom to speak your mind… and most importantly, freedom to choose!

So, spend at least an hour during the next 4 days and Google the politicians running for seats in your area.  Read some literature (you know, that packet you got in the mail).  And most importantly, honor the thousands upon thousands of American’s who proudly gave their lives so that you (yes, YOU) can walk into a tiny little plastic booth and VOTE!!!Old Glory over the USS Arizona  Memorial edit

Picking the Perfect Pair of Shades

Maui Jim Mala Sunglasses front2It’s a tough choice… and there are a TON of options!  You go to the store, try on pair after pair after pair hoping that one makes a random girl walking by say “Oh Damn!” under her breath just loud enough for you to hear.  You want that magical pair that make you look 80% G’Damn Rockstar, 10% Responsible & “with it”, 10% fashionista… and 1000% a normal person.  Do you get glass or plastic lenses, do you get metal or composite material frames, do you get polarized or not, what brand, what style… SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Well, hopefully we can help.  Over the past few years we’ve tried on countless styles and talked about how heavy they were over a long period of time, how versatile they were, how awesome they looked, and just all-around how sexy they made us feel (it’s important).  Continue reading

3 Words: Solar. Freakin’. Roadways!!!

Can we please please please please please make this a reality?  Can you even imagine?????   Parking lots powering buildings, Streets alerting you of things in the road, Driveways that melt snow (where the f’ was this when I was a kid?!?!).

Parking in a Red Zone… The parking space beneath you will start flashing red to let you know.  In metered parking and time is up…  How about a clock built right into the road?  So many possibilities… and it can power the Nation instead of nuclear or fossil fuels doing all the work.

Let’s do this people!

Published on May 18, 2014

It’s the roadway of the future! Feel inspired? Help us bring this project to the next step:
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/so…
Continue reading

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

Man Of Steel 2/Superman vs. Batman/Justice League 1/D.C.’s Saving Grace; gets its official title and logo. Thoughts?

BvS

Directed by Zack Snyder
Produced by Charles Roven
Deborah Snyder
Screenplay by Chris Terrio
Story by David S. Goyer
Zack Snyder
Based on Characters
by DC Comics
Starring
Music by Hans Zimmer
Cinematography Larry Fong
Studio Dune Entertainment
Syncopy Films
DC Entertainment
Distributed by Warner Bros.
Release dates
  • May 6, 2016 (Worldwide)
Country United States
Language English

An Oldie That Still Makes us Laugh

Ok… here’s one from “back in the day” that we ran across today and still makes us laugh.  So what the hell, we’re sharing it with you to hopefully bring a little levity to your Monday blahs.  Enjoy!

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WGUB Master Mixologists – Post Turkey Day

The Turkey has digested and the stain from your cousins cranberry surprise is officially removed.  Dad’s passed out… Mom is talking to Aunt Jane about something mind-numbing… cousin Amy is looking hoooooot… and you badly need a drink.  Well, you now have one more thing to be thankful for today.  Us!!!

Grab a few glasses, Raid the liquor cabinet n’ fridge and let’s get our damn drink on people!!!

White Glossy Underground Board Mixes

  • WhiteGlossy Mix: Sailor Jerry + Captain Morgan + Admiral Nelson + Sprite + Skittles = SeaSide Gay Pride GangBang
  • Eggshell Mix: A shot of Bandero tequila = Snooki spit
  • Paystee Mix: 2 parts Cognac, 1 part menthol, All King Cobra = Kill Whitey
  • WhiteGlossy Mix: Kraken Rum & Ice = the Michael Clarke Duncan Donkey Punch
  • Eggshell Mix: Bowen’s and diet = the uh-oh I crapped my pants
  • Pasytee Mix: Vodka, Lo-Cal Monster Energy drink, crushed ice swirled with syringe = Jersey Shore
  • Eggshell Mix: Hawaiian punch and vodka = the drunk howlee
  • Pasytee Mix: Moonshine, Mountain Dew & F+CK YOU!!! = South Will Rise Again
  • Eggshell Mix: raspberry vodka, ice tea, and lemonade = Fisting Arnold Palmer
  • Paystee Mix: SoCo + Dr Pepper = spirit of the south or cousin kisser
  • WhiteGlossy Mix: Dark Rum, brown sugar, raisins and SoCo = the Morgan Freeman
  • Paystee Mix: Hennessy and Milk = 2012 election
  • WhiteGlossy Mix: Coca-Cola + Vodka + Grenadine + a dash of sweet n’ sour = a WhiteGlossy Red
  • Eggshell/Paystee Combo-Mix: Four Loko = Someone is seeing my ass today…getting hit with a pool stick…..and being awesome
  • Paystee Mix: Cranberry juice, Jäger, half eaten celery stick, 2 ice cubes = 12 Hour Diarrhea
(Caution: Some drinks may cause blindness, idiotic behavior, sleeping with your cousin, stabbing a bum or death… Enjoy!)

Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show is ON FIRE!!!

Ragtime Gals: Talk Dirty (w/ Kevin Spacey)

Published on May 2, 2014

Jimmy, Kevin Spacey and their barbershop quartet, The Ragtime Gals, sing Jason Derulo’s hit song “Talk Dirty.” Learn more about Kevin’s documentary, Now: in the Wings on a World Stage, at http://www.nowthefilm.com.

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon features hilarious highlights from the show including: comedy sketches, music parodies, celebrity interviews, ridiculous games, and, of course, Jimmy’s Thank You Notes and hashtags! You’ll also find behind the scenes videos and other great web exclusives.

Ragtime Gals: Talk Dirty (w/ Kevin Spacey)
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May the 4th Be With You!

May 4th is Star Wars Day, and Rdio has put together a playlist to make you feel like a Jedi.  Yes… we are tremendous nerds for posting this, but that’s ok.  It kind of fits us sometimes.  May the 4th be with you.

image002Star Wars Day Playlist by Rdio:

Track Listing:

  1. Main Title from Star Wars – John Williams – John Williams – Greatest Hits 1969-1999
  2. The Imperial March (Darth Vader’s Theme) – John Williams – The Music Of Star Wars: 30th Anniversary Collector’s Edition
  3. Princess Leia’s Theme – John Williams – The Music Of Star Wars: 30th Anniversary Collector’s Edition
  4. Yoda’s Theme – John Williams – The Music Of Star Wars: 30th Anniversary Collector’s Edition
  5. Binary Sunset (Alternate) (Medley) – London Symphony Orchestra;John Williams – Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
  6. Han Solo and the Princess – John Williams – Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
  7. The Asteroid Field – John Williams – Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
  8. The Throne Room/End Title (Medley) – John Williams – The Music Of Star Wars: 30th Anniversary Collector’s Edition
  9. Duel Of The Fates from Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace – John Williams;London Voices – Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
  10. The Emperor Arrives/The Death of Yoda/Obi-Wan’s Revelation (Medley) – John Williams – Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
  11. Anakin’s Betrayal (Episode III – Revenge of the Sith) – Global Stage Orchestra – Star Wars – The Story Continues
  12. Cantina Band – John Williams – The Music Of Star Wars: 30th Anniversary Collector’s Edition
  13. The Forest Battle (Concert Suite) – John Williams – Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)
  14. Victory Celebration/End Title (Medley) – John Williams – The Music Of Star Wars: 30th Anniversary Collector’s Edition

iPhone 6 Specs and Artwork!

Happy Friday!!!  While dumpster diving behind Tim Cook’s house recently, we came across some top-secret specs of the… are you ready for it????  The iPhone 6… way before it even hits the shelves. Here is a quick wrap-up of what we found and even some scans of top-secret doodles.  Apparently Cook is a really shitty artist.

Will we get sued and put out of business for leaking this info?  Probably… but screw it!!!  We are journalists dedicated to the truth, and our people (that’s you).

iP6The scans that we found, featuring some pretty incredible tech, for the iPhone 6 are bellow (click on images for a larger view)… and yes, the details for each picture are listed down there as well. You can bet your sweet ass cheeks that we will be camping out like some über Star Wars nerds to pick up this one at midnight..

  1. It will only obey short, one word commands much like a dog. It will also sulk when you yell at it for dropping a call.
  2. Yes, it will provide you with an Asian massage. A complete Asian Massage.
  3. Hidden in the code is a picture of Steve Job’s tumor.
  4. It’s new 20 megapixel camera has x-ray, heat vision, and night vision. As well as target lock function.
  5. It is water, dirt, chemical and outer space proof.
  6. Instead of Bluetooth technology, you will be able to communicate with it telepathically. Yes, you can think about porn and it will show up on your iPhone.
  7. For men it offers a built-in shaver, for woman a home Microdermabrasion kit. However the shaver can only be used on pubes, and the Microdermabrasion on backne.
  8. Hold approximately 1.5 oz. (a single shot) of any liquid
  9. Doubles as a one-time-use taser for debilitating a mugger/robber/drunkwhoresatthebar
  10. Has a 3D screen, for porn.